Years ago, I read a bumper sticker:
“This is the first day of your new life. Tell that to your liver, tell that to you ex-wife”.
Yes, unfortunately, we might have to live through a divorce and deal with the consequences, or, maybe worse, we are stuck in a relationship that has become really bad and damaging, we lose the interest in our job, or we get fired or promoted away. Parents are getting older, or have died, children have grown up and left us. We start realising that we are not on the path up anymore, but on the path down, and the world is no longer a playground with promises and rewards. We realise with frightening clarity: if we want meaning and happiness in our life, we will need to find out how to do that ourselves, and all this while carrying all the ballast of the years.
Happy people do not ask what the meaning in their life is. Very scared people don’t either. Only people who are truly stuck ask this question. We want attention! We want to be attractive! We want admiration, or at least recognition! We want to be important, or at least matter! We want money, and if we have money, we want more money! We want meaning! We want a lot, and we do not get much, and the older we get, the less we seem to get. I know, some lucky people seem to be able to easily cope with this or even just escape this. I was not one of them, and my guess is that you are not one of them either, which is why you are reading this.
I'm a psychologist, and I also train Divemasters for a living. Over the years, I've watched a specific kind of person show up at my door: mid-40s to mid-50s, successful on paper, but quite broken inside. They don't come to learn how to work in the diving business. They come because something in their life stopped working and they don't know what to do about it, so they just bought a ticket and went diving.
And it worked!
This book is my case — the best explanation I have — for why a Divemaster training combined with some basic psychology is one of the most effective ways of dealing with a life crisis, and why it might work for you too.
Now, I know exactly what cliches people have given you (if you are one of these people who are lucky enough to have someone to talk to) or you have read. Let’s see:
The count-your-blessings approach:
“Just look all the things you still have!”
“At least you have your health”
“Your children are doing fine”
“Most people have far less than you, and would swap places in the blink of an eye.”
The be a brave-soldier approach:
“You can be proud of what you have accomplished! Focus on that!”.
“Life goes on. No use crying over spilled milk. On with it!”
“Go on dating site, find someone new. Do not stay grieving and alone.”
The magical-solution approach:
“What you need is a break. Go on a nice holiday somewhere.”
“Go and get help. I know a friend/doctor/psychologist/spiritual adviser/yoga teacher/faith healer/ Buddhist master who is really good”
“Just buy nice clothes, a big car, have plastic surgery and act like you are young again! Life starts at 40!”
The cruel-to-be-kind approach:
“Well, if you feel that way, sell everything and become a monk.”
“You know what, spend some time with people who have a really tough life, and see if you still feel like complaining”.
“What were you expecting, love and peace and eternal youth and happiness? Grow up!”
Familiar? Familiar. Are they right? Yes they are. Did it help? No it did not. So why doesn’t this advice work, even if it is good advice? Because it is not telling you how to do all this. How are you grateful for your health, or happy with what you still have, 24 hours a day?
If we want meaning, and purpose, a “why”, that motivates us to endure a “how”, we have to find one ourselves. A “why” is easy for most people in their twenties (getting laid, finding a partner, making babies and all you need to do for that). To find a “why” when you succeeded a bit at this at 35, 45, 55, or whatever is far more difficult. What now? And why?
One thing is true: You will not get any younger, and you will not get happier by just waiting. One of your problems is: you think you have time, and more important things to do. Well, the graveyards are full of irreplaceable people who thought they had time enough to change. I am sorry. You better take your situation seriously and do what you need to do. Even if that makes you scared, and others angry. You are wasting precious time being unhappy, waiting for a miracle.
There is this famous play called “Waiting for Godot”. Maybe you know it. Two bums, sad losers called Vladimir and Estragon, are on an empty stage. They talk about who they are (they don’t know, and they don’t remember), and how they are waiting for a certain Mr. Godot. They are not sure if they are at the right place, or on the right date, or the right time. They are not sure what this Mr. Godot looks like. In fact, they do not even know who he is. Come to think of it, they are not sure if they even have an appointment with him. Or why. But they reason and reason with each other and always come to the same conclusion: better do nothing and wait. He might turn up. And this goes on and on and on and on:
Estragon: I can't go on like this.
Vladimir: That's what you think.
Or:
“Why are we here, that is the question? And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come...We are not saints, but we have kept our appointment.”
And on and on. If you see or read this play, it makes you want to jump up and shout: DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. IT DOESN'T MATTER. ANYTHING.
I know something you can do. I have seen work over and over again. But let’s first look what you will need to get unstuck in the first place.
You Need a New, more Natural Physical Environment for at least a few Months
You cannot see your own life clearly while you're in the middle of it. You simply will not be able to re-evaluate your problems while you are in the middle of it. You need distance, real and psychological distance. Distance from your old, familiar self. The environment where you are now is full of triggers that pull you straight back into old thought patterns. The kitchen where you had the fight. The commute where you feel the boredom. The gym where you check the mirror and feel the years.
There are actually easy to understand psychological reasons why a change of environment causes a change of perspective. If you take away familiar cues, you will be forced to think about basic things again — what to eat, how to get somewhere, who these people are. You will need to reexamine old assumptions instead of just re-using the old ones. What also gives you chance to change perspective is just distance itself, in time or in space. From a distance, the same things start to look smaller and more general: you will start to see the patterns, not the incidents.
In addition, that changed environment is especially effective if it is very different from our usual environment: a more natural environment than our offices and cities. You could probably fill a small library with books on the back-to-nature argument, and I am pretty sure you heard it all before. I am pretty sure you experienced this yourself at one point, even if only through a walk in the park. I will limit myself here to telling you that our brains were not evolved to function in a crowded, information-dense, overstimulating artificial environment, and that living in such an environment will inevitably lead to serious problems. In short, you probably could do with some quiet nature, and I don’t think I need to convince you of this.
In your old environment, people know who and what you are, and they force you into that role. You have accepted that identity, and it feels like it IS you. But it is not. It is just a role you play in a certain environment. Of course, you have a personality, we will come back to that later. But with that personality you can play many, many roles. If you had been born, say, in China, with your personality, would you be what you are now? I do not think so.